Saturday, April 20, 2013

Esoteric, Vaguely Cryptic Declaration of Shame

Do you know who is world's biggest idiot? You are reading her now.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Just dangerous? A little and grossly misguided knowledge fucking stabbed my heart, stamped on it a zillion times, mutilated it to pieces and then torched them! I spent the longest and most torturous week of my life mourning over an imagined loss; alternating between starvation and binging on greasy food; battling with insomnia; making sweeping declarations to give up writing; and with a drunken night thrown in for the sake of conformity.

I'm (temporarily) euphoric about the falsity of my little knowledge, but at the same time want to tear my hair apart for the self-induced heartache that I put myself through. It is not funny even in retrospect and now I dread facing my sibling and closest friends, for they will slap me just as fast I had jumped to wrong conclusions!

Think of the biggest embarrassment of your life that makes you want to crawl into a ditch and die, then quadruple that feeling; that's how I feel now. Where do I hide? Escaping to the hills for the weekend.


Sangeeta said...

I know that feeling so well...we make assumptions based on some action/inaction and then read so much into it...and then take impulsive actions! Anyways, do enjoy your break...hills have always been my favourite, too.

Raajii said...

Hiding would not be the answer. That may just makes things far worse than they already are (Yes, things can always get much worse!). You just have to brace yourself and face it. It will make you much stronger in the future.

And, remember that everyone is entitled to a few mistakes :-)

Dialect Of Heart said...

@sangeeta the escape to the hills did me good. Washed away guilt and shame of jumping to conclusions. I had too much fun to worry about anything else :)

Dialect Of Heart said...

@Raaji You are right. Hiding is never the correct response to a mistake. But the shame arising from stupid mistakes strongly fans the impulse to escape.

I'm back now and the problem I ran away from seems so inconsequential. Sometimes moving away from a problem for a day or two, clears perspectives and brings about the much needed courage to tackle it and undo damages. :)