Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lost and Found

It feels strange typing these first words after neglecting my blog for so long. I actually fumbled around the blog dashboard to find the 'New Post' compose button. I had been busy. But not so much that I couldn't have squeezed in a few minutes of writing every week. I could have but I chose not to. I had started doing what everyone else around me were doing, mimicking their pastimes and their routines. It was work, studies, watching movies, getting together with friends, eating out...the usual stuff. Not just my habits but my whole personality went a sea change. I became more 'social'; not extrovert, just more open to mingling with other people, small talk, taking the initiative to talk to people around me. I actually chatted up random strangers, which is so unlike me, given my total lack of social skills.

I got so involved in this routine, this 'new' me, I had long neglected the things I loved to do. Writing, watching obscure foreign language films, reading and re-reading the authors I cherish, traveling, amateur photography, sketching...stuff that had always created and contributed to my happiness, a world I loved escaping into. But once I got stuck in this new web of superficial pleasures and pastimes, I became too lazy to get back to doing things that I love. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, when I'm unusually chatty, I halt and mentally stare at the person I've become. And I realize it's not the real me. Being more confident, the feeling of belonging to the 'normal, everyday' people has been fun. But who am I fooling? It's just so not me.

There had been surprise in their eyes and an awkwardness in the air when I interacted with the people I'd known for long and who were well-acquainted with my introvert nature. And there had been moments when my 'friendly' attitude, new and clumsy, seemed too upfront to people and created misunderstandings that were totally uncalled for and embarrassing. And my idle mind crammed with just exam MCQs and small talk of the day, devoid of any creative pursuits, fell prey to daydreaming. I did few pretty stupid stuff. I don't like this new change anymore even though I had secretly always craved it!

Each person is unique with their unique quirks and flaws and passions. I am a shy person. I prefer catching up on my reading on a Saturday night. I freeze at the thought of making small talk. I don't like reading novels about vampires and girls addicted to shopping. I don't like rowdy parties and large crowds and prefer small, intimate gatherings. If I fall in love, I love to love alone, cherishing the secret. I love being silent and contemplating a thousand thoughts even amidst a crowd. And in the past few days my mouth hurt from grinning inanely at jokes that I didn't even find funny. However boring it may sound or is to others, but that's me. That's who I am; and who I have been in the recent past is totally contradictory to my real self.

Be true to who you are and do what you love irrespective of what the world thinks about you. Life's too short to be wasted on pretense of any sort.

This post was my advice to myself. It feels great blogging after a long gap and to have finally found and accepted me.